What is eaten in one week around the world….

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Fw: Folks from Texas

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from
Texas …

If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work
there, you may live in Texas

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas .

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you may live in Texas .

If “Vacation” means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may
live in Texas .

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live
in Texas .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked, you may live in Texas .

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you may live in Texas .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph — you’re going 80 and
everybody s passing you, you may live in Texas .

If you find 60 degrees “a little chilly”, you may live in Texas .

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas
friends & others, you definitely live in Texas .

Send This “Email” on to All Your Friends…

… or else.

Don’t you hate the garbage some people insist on putting at the bottom of an otherwise cute email in which they say dire things will happen if you don’t send it on?  I do.  Which is why I get a kick out of this one:

http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

Alice

Travelling Woes

OK, not the best joke I’ve ever posted, but not the worst I’ll come up with either: You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a ‘drop off’, (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.  In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is a galloping zebra.  Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.  What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the

answer,

 click and

drag your

mouse

from star to

star.

* Get

your

drunk-

ass off

the

merry-

go-

round. *

Arabian Ski Resort

Arabian Ski Resort

Have you seen this one yet?  It’s a ski resort in Arabia.

 

 This is what it looks like from the outside:

Alice

SCIENTIFIC KNOWLEDGE…. TRUE

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right
away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to
ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning
and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing
the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

Just thought you’d like to know.

Groan

I know I shouldn’t inflict these on you just because someone inflicted them on me, but….  Oh well.  😀

. 

 (1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the   Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,”   the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately   destroyed in a fire, and we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think   I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
.

Alice

What You Get When You Ask One Too Many Times

This never actually happened to me, but boy it sure could have. 

Alice

 *Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
“SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had! 

They Call Him Mr. Lucky

Check this out.  Some guy was driving along the highway and went off the road.  You can see the place he went off over on the right hand side of this picture.

The guy was seriously lucky.  I mean, He jumped a culvert and ended up close to the road.  His truck isn’t even all that smashed up, though it’ll need some work.  Get  a load of it.

I don’t think you realize just how lucky this guy was.  Scroll down to see what I mean.

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 Further

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 Further

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Alice

48 Questions

1. What time did you get up this morning?  6:58, 7:08, and 7:28am  Snooze alarm.

2. Diamonds or Pearls?  Pearls

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?  Eragon

4. What is your favorite TV show?   I don’t watch TV

5. What did you have for breakfast?  A bowl of cereal

6. What is your middle name?  I have to have a middle name?

7. What is your favorite cuisine?  Whatever I can get my hands on.

8. What foods do you dislike?  I know there is some, but I can’t think of it off hand.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?  I have no idea.  I steal them off of Mr. Al’s plate.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?  Peter Gabriel’s Up.

11. What kind of car do you drive? Subaru Legacy

12. Favorite sandwich?  Ruben

13. What characteristics do you despise? In what?

14. What are your favorite clothes?  Comfortable.  Anything from Jeans to velvet skirts depending on what I plan to do in them.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where WOULDN’T you go?  No such place.

16. Favorite brand of clothing?  Brand?  I make my own.

17. Where would you want to retire?  I have no intention of ever retiring.  If I’m so far out of it that I can’t write, then I’m too far out of it to know where I am.

18. Favorite time of day?  Now.  Later’s good too.  Actually, that’s not true.  I really like golden sunsets in August, but I’ll settle for whenever “now” comes around.

19. Where were you born?  Texas

20. What is your favorite sport to watch?  Gymnastics

21. Who do you think will not send this back?  I’m not sending it, I’m posting it.  I’m posting it because I’m tired of answering it over and over again.  Now I can simply give the people who insist I fill it out a URL and be done with it.

22. Person you expect to send it back first?  See 21

23. Pepsi or Coke?  La Croixe, if anything.

24. Beavers or Ducks?  Moose?  If this is a sports thing you’re talking to the wrong gal.

25. Are you a morning person or night owl?  Night owl.  

26. Pedicure or Manicure?  Neither.

27. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?  I do, regularly, right on this blog.  Never could keep anything to myself.

28. What did you want to be when you were little?  A writer.

29. What is your best childhood memory?  Let’s not go there.

30. Piercing? Ears.  I’ve considered nose, but it’s too prone to infection.

31. Ever been to Africa?   I wish!

32. Ever been toilet papering?  Yep.  It wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be.

34. Favorite restaurant?   China Buffet  Inexpensive, fast, easy, kid-friendly, and tasty  Can’t ask for more than that.

35. Favorite flower?  If I think about it pansy  I don’t generally think about flowers.

36. Favorite ice cream?  Butter rum.

37. Favorite fast food restaurant?  China Buffet?  Please, no greasy frys.  That kind of food makes me queasy.

38. How many times did you fail you drivers test?  I don’t remember, thankfully.

39. From whom did you get your last e-mail? Anastasia, my mother, the grammar how-to loop, Ask An Author Pro, the ladies who were formerly on AOL but got run off by systems problems, and various FanLit Forever notices.

40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Fabric store. Except my supply went into “Acquisition Beyond Life Expectancy ie ABLE”  lone ago.

41. Bedtime?  When the toothpicks holding my eyelids up break.

42. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? My mother, but I seriously doubt she’ll answer.

43. Last person you went to dinner with?  Mr. Al.

44. What are you listening to right now?  Silence.  But now that you mention it I’ll go turn the radio on.

45. How many tattoos do you have?  None.  Not gunna either.  And I’m not going to make any excuses for it either, so quit suggesting it.

46. How many people are you sending this to?  I have no idea.

47. Favorite magazine?   Romance Writer’s Review.

48. What time did you finish this e-mail? 8:41am
 
 

Alice